I am learning how to cook dinner for one person again.
Sometimes when I am cooking I get really sad, and that empty feeling creeps inside my chest. It has become very, very real that you are no longer with me.
I want to call you and tell you how much I miss your companionship. I don't miss the problems we had, but I sure do miss laughing with you. You were my best friend, you really were.
My roommates (who are very sweet) took me on a little tour of San Luis Obispo yesterday. We explored Pirate's Cove (a nudist beach), watched the sun set over Avila, and took a little tour of the Madonna Inn (a famous hotel in the area with really gaudy, themed rooms). I am excited for all of the new adventures I'm going to have in my new home.
I'm really good at being alone, and I feel like I have already grown. But I also really enjoy being in a relationship. I'm in that weird space where I miss certain parts of being in one but I am nowhere near being ready to start another one.
I have a lot to learn. I started journaling again, and picked up my guitar. The weather here is cloudy and cold, and this morning I went to the beach with the kid I nanny for. I really am so lucky to be here.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Severance.
I loved you with every cell in my body.
There were nights when I felt that I would cease to exist without you; that if anything were to ever happen to you I would fall apart into a million pieces.
I forgot who I was without you. I could no longer find the place where one of us began and the other ended. Every night I thanked the universe for bringing us together. I felt so lucky to have found my soul mate; the one that I would grow old with and share the rest of my life with.
And then, out of the blue, you told me it would be best if we separated. I panicked. I cried. I begged for you to change your mind. Nothing worked. You had made up your mind months ago.
That was over three weeks ago. Here I am, typing in the living room of my grandmother's house, one of the many places I have temporarily called home. I've lived out of my suitcase, sleeping on couches and in spare bedrooms.
During the first week I drove down to the Central Coast to visit my best friend. I bought a journal, went for long runs on the beach, and spent time with people who really love me. I cried a lot; I felt miserable on some nights. Incomplete. Fighting the urge to pick up the phone and beg you to take me back.
Then, slowly, the fog lifted. I got angry. I felt empowered. I found a new job and a new home in the ocean town I fell in love with, nearly 300 miles away from you. I leave on Saturday to start that new life.
I've been doing so well. I saw a therapist. I've been spending more time with family. I've reconnected with old friends. I feel really, really confident that this is going to be good for me. I started realizing things that I was blind to when we were together. I'm ambitious. I'm ready for adventure. I finally realize my self-worth. I'm ready for the best year of my life.
There were nights when I felt that I would cease to exist without you; that if anything were to ever happen to you I would fall apart into a million pieces.
I forgot who I was without you. I could no longer find the place where one of us began and the other ended. Every night I thanked the universe for bringing us together. I felt so lucky to have found my soul mate; the one that I would grow old with and share the rest of my life with.
And then, out of the blue, you told me it would be best if we separated. I panicked. I cried. I begged for you to change your mind. Nothing worked. You had made up your mind months ago.
That was over three weeks ago. Here I am, typing in the living room of my grandmother's house, one of the many places I have temporarily called home. I've lived out of my suitcase, sleeping on couches and in spare bedrooms.
During the first week I drove down to the Central Coast to visit my best friend. I bought a journal, went for long runs on the beach, and spent time with people who really love me. I cried a lot; I felt miserable on some nights. Incomplete. Fighting the urge to pick up the phone and beg you to take me back.
Then, slowly, the fog lifted. I got angry. I felt empowered. I found a new job and a new home in the ocean town I fell in love with, nearly 300 miles away from you. I leave on Saturday to start that new life.
I've been doing so well. I saw a therapist. I've been spending more time with family. I've reconnected with old friends. I feel really, really confident that this is going to be good for me. I started realizing things that I was blind to when we were together. I'm ambitious. I'm ready for adventure. I finally realize my self-worth. I'm ready for the best year of my life.
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