So, on Tuesday I finally started my full-time "big girl job" working as an aide for a 7-year-old with Autism Spectrum Disorder in her first grade classroom. So far I'm really enjoying it, and I love that I am working in a classroom again. It's like going back to elementary school all over again. I can't wait for field trips!!!
The only downside is that I have been SO. BUSY. I leave my house at 7:15am and I'm usually not home until after 6:00, since I often tutor my kiddo in her home after school. Working these long days make me too tired to hit the gym after work, which does not make my body happy. And since Blake wakes up at 4:30am for work every morning, he's usually in bed by 9:00- which means we see each other for about 3 hours a day. I'm hoping that, after the mortgage and bills are paid, I'll be able to afford to take us to Santa Cruz for a weekend once I get my first "big girl paycheck".
The worst part about being so busy is the lack of "me" time we all need to badly. Recent events have encouraged a lot of self-reflection lately. I've been thinking about my mom a lot, too.
I've been through a lot in the past year-and-a-half. Losing someone close to you, especially in the way we lost her- so abruptly- with so many unanswered questions- is an experience that batters your mind, body and soul. I was looking in the mirror the other day and couldn't believe how much I've aged in the past year. The dark circles under my eyes that were never there before. But also the laugh lines, and the crows feet that are slowly making their prints next to my squinting eyes from nights staying up too late and trying to laugh it all away.
A few weeks ago, the radio show that we used to listen to together on morning drives to school finally retired after 25 years of being on the air. It was a morning routine I carried on throughout college and beyond- they were always there for me during my morning commute. I sat in my car, waiting to clock on for work, listening to the hosts say their tearful goodbyes, listing every person and every moment they were grateful for. I tried so hard to hold back my tears as I experienced the end of something that has been with me since childhood. It was all too familiar.
I can't even explain how badly I wished I could have just called her on the phone to talk to her about it; to get a good cry out; to confront our fleeting lives and reflect on how fast time goes by. It's something we kind of bury in the background until things like this happen- something we know is there but are afraid to acknowledge. And I hate being reminded of it. I hate thinking about my own mortality.
When she passed, I had to accept the fact that she wouldn't be there for major moments in my life- she wasn't there at my graduation; she won't be at my wedding or see my first child be born. What I didn't realize is that she wouldn't be there for the small things- the last Mark and Brian radio show, when my best friend got engaged, when I decided to move in with my boyfriend. And no, I don't ever "feel her presence", to be honest. Maybe I don't believe in it, maybe it's because she chose to go. Perhaps I will someday. One can never tell.
Death forces you to see the world differently- any kind of tragedy does, really. Once you know what it's like to have your heart completely ripped out of your chest you start losing fear of everything else. What else could hurt you more than losing someone that close to you? It makes you humble; it makes you more compassionate. It makes you wake up ten minutes earlier just to enjoy the quiet morning hours. It makes you live slowly.
So, this wasn't my normal "happy" post- I guess I had a lot I needed to get out. Have a nice, slow weekend my friends.
